Three Tooney People
by Hitrat
Summary: Buster Bunny plays a millionhaire and his wife Babs is too funny. Meanwhile Frank needs money and his friends Sean and George help Frank by posing as Doctors for Buster to get Frank the much needed money. Comedy ensues


"Three Tooney People" By Hitrat  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. BUNNYFORD MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY  
  
A fancy party is in progress. The butler, a large man named SWINEINGTON(played by Hamton J. Pig), spoons some punch from a bowl into a glass as THE COUNTESS(played by Shirley the Loon), a snooty woman with a long cigarette holder and a monocle, looks on.  
  
THE COUNTESS Isn't it like, rather odd that your mistress hasn't put in an appearance at her own party?  
  
SWINEINGTON (hands her the punch) Uh, yes, Madame. I'm sorry, Madame.  
  
The Countess walks off with disdain. The butler shoots a glance across the room. We follow his gaze with a FAST PAN TO the man of the house MR. BUNNYFORD(Played by Buster Bunny), a rather mousy gentlemen who sits worriedly in a chair. His friend DR. PLUCK(Played by Plucky Duck) stands over him, chewing some bubble gum .  
  
BUNNYFORD (to himself) Where is she?  
  
Bunnyford pounds his fist into his hand and rises abruptly.  
  
BUNNYFORD Where is that wife of mine?  
  
DR. PLUCK Now, take it easy, Bunnyford.  
  
Swineington arrives with a tray holding two fruit punch drinks.  
  
SWINEINGTON Fruit punch, sir?  
  
Bunnyford and Pluck each take a glass of fruit punch.  
  
BUNNYFORD (to SWINEINGTON) Any word from Mrs. Bunnyford?  
  
SWINEINGTON Not a word, sir. I'm terribly upset.  
  
BUNNYFORD You're upset?! What about me? She invites all these people to her birthday party and then runs out on them!  
  
SWINEINGTON She always does that, sir. She'll probably be back in a day or two.  
  
BUNNYFORD (chokes on his drink) Day or two?!  
  
Swineington makes a face and walks off.  
  
DR. PLUCK Snap out of it, Bunnyford. You must make allowances for her youth. Babs'll turn up.  
  
BUNNYFORD If I didn't love that woman so much, I swear I'd--  
  
A car horn HONKS. BUNNYFORD and PLUCK stare in horror as an automobile barrels into the living room and SCREECHES to a halt in front of the fireplace. The guests GASP in amazement. At the wheel of the car is the missing wife, young and vivacious BABS BUNNYFORD(of course played by Babs Bunny), wearing a hat and a pink overcoat. She waves to her husband and starts to climb out of the car.  
  
BABS Oh, darling! Hello! Be right over!  
  
Swineington enters and stares in shock at the car.  
  
BABS (o.s.) Oh, Swineington!  
  
Swineington regains his composure and stands at attention.  
  
SWINEINGTON (with some resignation) Ready, Madame.  
  
Babs takes off her pink overcoat while Bunnyford and Pluck exchange uneasy glances. She throws her pink overcoat across the room at Swineington and it miraculously drapes itself goofily around his shoulders. She takes off her hat and throws it onto Swineinton' head. He looks rather ridiculous in a lady's hat and pink overcoat but bears the humiliation with dignity. Meanwhile, Bunnyford confers with Pluck.  
  
BUNNYFORD Listen, Pluck. You're a doctor and you're my best friend. Isn't there anything you can do for her?  
  
DR. PLUCK I'm afraid she's a bit out of my line. The men you want are Doctors Miller, Walsh, and Rypien.  
  
BUNNYFORD Do you think they can help her?  
  
DR.PLUCK Well, they're the finest psychiatrists in the business. They're terribly expensive and their methods are very peculiar. But they do get results.  
  
BUNNYFORD I'll have Williams call them. I'll have Swineington call them immediately.  
  
Bunnyford rings for the butler. Pluck checks his watch.  
  
DR. PLUCK I've got to see a patient, Buster. I'll try to get back later. Good luck.  
  
BUNNYFORD Thanks.  
  
Pluck exits as Swineington approaches.  
  
BUNNYFORD Oh, Swineington. I want you to telephone Doctors Miller, Walsh, and Rypien.  
  
DISSOLVE TO:  
  
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY  
  
Painted onto the glass of the office's front door, a sign reads:  
  
Dr. C. MILLER, M.D. Dr. S. WALSH, M.D. Dr. M. RYPIEN, M.D.  
  
PSYCHIATRISTS  
  
ENTER  
  
We PAN from the door to reveal a PAINTER(Played by Montana Max) cleaning up his equipment (paint cans, brushes, etc.) and a SECRETARY(Played by Fifi La Fume) who struggles with a recalcitrant telephone switchboard.  
  
SECRETARY (upset) Oh, zis switchboard!  
  
The secretary holds the headphone to her ear as she tries to get a line out.  
  
SECRETARY Oh, it is how you zay "croaked"!  
  
Frustrated, she throws the headphone down and turns to the painter.  
  
SECRETARY Thank goodness you're through. I've been almost crazy.  
  
PAINTER Yes, ma'am. Sorry ma'am I'll have my stuff out right after lunch.  
  
The secretary exits into a private office as the painter exits out the front door. Immediately, the Three Stooges enter from the front door: George(the aussie Kangaroo), Sean(The Irish Springhare) and Frank(The mouse that will act like Shemp). Sean carries a tool box. Frank carries a huge ladder over his shoulder.  
  
GEORGE Looks like there's nobody here.  
  
SEAN This is the place all right.  
  
FRANK Maybe I got the--  
  
Frank turns to look around and SMASHES the glass of the front door with his  
  
ladder.  
  
GEORGE You cheese-head! Why don't you look what you're doin'?  
  
FRANK I couldn't help it. I was lookin' around to see if there's anybody in the office and when I turned--  
  
Frank turns and SMASHES a glass water cooler with the ladder.  
  
SEAN Look what you did!  
  
FRANK What?!  
  
Frank turns to look at the smashed water cooler and the ladder swings around and POPS Sean in the face.  
  
SEAN Oh!  
  
Sean clutches his eye in pain. He advances on Frank.  
  
SEAN Why don't you be careful?  
  
Sean pokes Frank in the eye.  
  
GEORGE Drop that ladder before you hurt somebody.  
  
Frank DROPS the ladder on Sean's foot. Sean clutches his foot in pain.  
  
SEAN Remind me to tear out your Adam's apple.  
  
FRANK I'll make a note of it.  
  
As Frank reaches into his pocket, the secretary returns and sees the mess they've made. Frank, with a tiny pencil and pad, makes a note to himself to remind Sean to tear out his Adam's apple.  
  
SEAN (annoyed) Give me that!  
  
Sean grabs the pencil away from Frank. Frank angrily squeaks and pulls another pencil from his pocket and starts to write with it. Sean grabs the pencil away.  
  
SEAN What's the matter with you?  
  
Frank makes a few noises of frustration and then pulls a giant-sized pencil from his jacket and starts to write.  
  
FRANK *laughs*.  
  
Sean grabs the pencil and HITS Frank over the head with it.  
  
FRANK Oh! You'll break my pencil!  
  
SEAN I'll yank your hair out.  
  
Sean grabs a hold of some of Frank's medium long brown messed up hair and pulls on Franks's hair and Frank squeaks in pain as the secretary joins them.  
  
SECRETARY Mon deiu, why must you boyz how you say, "scuffle" like this?  
  
SEAN Never mind the wisecracks, Toots. We're trouble-shooters from the phone company. What's wrong here?  
  
SECRETARY Painters ruined moi switchboard.  
  
SEAN Come on.  
  
The Stooges move to the switchboard.  
  
SECRETARY If you can brings it to life and a call comes in for the doctors, say they're out of town. I'm going to lunch.  
  
SEAN Okay.  
  
As the secretary exits, Frank calls after her.  
  
FRANK Hey! Bring me back a piece of american cheese and a provole!  
  
GEORGE American cheese and provole?  
  
FRANK *smiles goofy like* I missed breakfast.  
  
SEAN (pushes Frank) Go on! Get busy!  
  
The Stooges get to work. Frank sees a stethoscope in a doctor's bag atop the switchboard. He pulls it out and puts the earpieces in his ear.  
  
SEAN (to George) How's she comin'?  
  
GEORGE Not so good.  
  
Frank puts the stethoscope against the switchboard.  
  
FRANK (to the switchboard) Say, "Ahh!"  
  
SEAN (to FRANK, off the stethoscope) What do you got here?  
  
Sean pulls on the stethoscope, stretching it out.  
  
FRANK Hey, gimme that! Gimme that!  
  
Sean releases the stethoscope -- it snaps back and WHACKS Frank in the nose.  
  
FRANK Ohhh!  
  
Sean pulls the earpieces from Frank's ears, causing a POPPING sound. Frank GNASHES his teeth pneumatically at Sean who hands the stethoscope back to him.  
  
SEAN Now, go on! Get busy like I told ya! (to George) Go on!  
  
Sean shoos George away from the board, sits, and puts on the headphones. He puts a phone wire up to a hole in the board.  
  
SEAN Pull this line through and hook it on number six.  
  
Frank pulls the line through the hole in the board -- but the line is attached to the headphones on Sean's head, thus causing Sean's head to be pulled forward violently. Sean's head SMASHES into the board.  
  
SEAN Oh!  
  
Sean pulls his head back, drawing the wire backwards. This frustrates Frank who squeaks and pulls on it again -- too hard. He stumbles backward and out of the scene. There is a huge CRASH. Sean and George jump in horror as we PAN QUICKLY TO Frank sitting in a bucket amidst the painter's equipment, each of his hands stuck in a paint can and a wooden plank on his head.  
  
FRANK Whoa! Whoa! Hey, George! Help me! I'm surrounded! Whoa!  
  
Sean rush to Frank's aid. They push the plank away and, each grabbing an arm, lift Frank to his feet.  
  
SEAN Get up. (to George, off the bucket wedged onto Frank's rear) Get a hold o' that!  
  
Sean and George grabs Frank by the head and George pulls the bucket off of Franks's rear. George FALLS to the floor in the process.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. BUNNYFORD MANSION - DAY  
  
Swineington is on the phone, making a call.  
  
Swineington (into the phone) Hello? (beat) Yes, I know it's out of order. I've been trying for half an hour to get it.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY  
  
The Stooges stand together and confer.  
  
SEAN (to Frank) What's the matter with you, cheese-head? You been actin' slug-nutty all day.  
  
FRANK It's Julie. She's gonna have--  
  
Frank grows suddenly bashful. But Sean realizes what he means.  
  
SEAN That's wonderful. When do you expect it?  
  
FRANK Any minute. That's why I'm so upset.  
  
SEAN No foolin'? Why didn't you tell us?  
  
FRANK But, you see, I--  
  
GEORGE I know. You're broke.  
  
FRANK (nods) Flat as a floogie.  
  
SEAN That's bad. We gotta figure out a way to get some money and get it quick.  
  
FRANK Aw, thanks, Sean.  
  
SEAN You're welcome.  
  
Sean and Frank shake hands.  
  
FRANK Okay, I got--  
  
Sean looks down in disgust at his hand, now stained with paint, like Frank's. Sean wipes his hand on Frank's jacket.  
  
SEAN Come on.  
  
Frank barks like a dog. Sean CONKS Frank in the back of the head.  
  
SEAN Come on! Get to work!  
  
The Stooges head back to the switchboard.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. BUNNYFORD MANSION - DAY  
  
Swineington is still on the phone.  
  
SWINEINGTON Now, Operator, you must get that number. Now, try again, please.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY  
  
George struggles with some phone wires. Frustrated, he whips one away.  
  
GEORGE (disgusted) Ahhh...  
  
Miraculously, the wire lodges in the proper hole: a light flashes and the board starts to BUZZ. The Stooges rush to the board and Sean answers the call.  
  
SEAN Hello, Operator?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. BUNNYFORD MANSION - DAY  
  
SWINEINGTON Is this Susquehanna two-two-two-two?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY  
  
SEAN (into the phone) Toot-toot-toot-toot? What do you think you're doin' -- playin' trains?  
  
FRANK Ooooh! I love to play trains! (imitates a train) Choo choo choo choo choo! Whooo-woo! Sssssssh!  
  
SEAN (to Frank) Why don't you get a toupee with some brains in it?  
  
Sean THWACKS Frank's nose. Frank pulls up Sean's bangs and CONKS him on the forehead.  
  
SEAN (to Frank) Why, you--!  
  
Sean turns his attention to the phone.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY  
  
SWINEINGTON I want to speak to Doctor Miller, Walsh, or Rypien. This is an important case. We'll pay any price if they'll come over immediately. Money is no object.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY  
  
SEAN (into the phone) We'll be there in a flash in the flesh!  
  
Sean hangs up and addresses George and Frank.  
  
SEAN We need money and I got a way to get it.  
  
GEORGE What are we supposed to do?  
  
SEAN (points to Frank) You're Miller. (points to George) You're Walsh. (grandly) And I'm Doctor Rypien.  
  
Frank (shakes Sean's hand) Oh, glad to meetcha, Doctor.  
  
SEAN How are ya, son?  
  
FRANK Now, listen, Doc. I'm troubled with N.F.L.  
  
SEAN What do you mean, N.F.L.?  
  
CURLY No Future Love!  
  
SEAN Stick out yer tongue!  
  
Frank sticks out his tongue. Sean mildly PUNCHES him in the heart.  
  
SEAN There's an impatient patient waiting. Come on.  
  
Although they protest, Sean grabs Frank and George by the hair and drags them away.  
  
DISSOLVE TO:  
  
EXT. BUNNYFORD MANSION - DAY  
  
Babs comes running out of the building, followed by Buster and Swineington.  
  
A chauffeur waits beside a fancy car (license number 5R 161).  
  
BUNNYFORD Wait! Babs, you can't run out on your guests like this again.  
  
BABS But, darling, I'm bored! I'm only going for a short ride in a submarine! I'll be back in a day or two. Tell them all to wait.  
  
BUNNYFORD But, Ba--  
  
They are interrupted by the gentle RINGING of bicycle bells. The Stooges --  
  
dressed in top hats and tails -- come riding up on a three-seater bicycle. They fall off the bike at the edge of the driveway -- to the shock and confusion of the Bunnyfords. The Stooges rise and rush over to Bunnyford.  
  
BUNNYFORD Gentlemen, I'm Mr. Bunnyford. Are you looking for someone?  
  
FRANK I'm Miller.  
  
GEORGE I'm Walsh.  
  
SEAN I'm Rypien.  
  
As Babs looks on with interest, Sean puts a shoe horn near Bunnyford's mouth.  
  
SEAN Stick out yer tongue.  
  
Bunnyford opens his mouth and Sean uses the shoe horn as a tongue depressor.  
  
SEAN Say, "Ahh" with your mouth closed.  
  
BUNNYFORD Ahhh.  
  
GEORGE (singing in harmony) Ahhh.  
  
SEAN & FRANK (joining in) Ahhh.  
  
ALL THREE STOOGES (singing) Ahhh... (spoken, with disgust) Rats! Frank (with a big goofy grin) Should I be insulted? SEAN Quiet you. This is serious.  
  
FRANK You're wrong, gentlemen. It's strictly a case of latkes and [pippiks?]  
  
Babs roars with laughter at the Stooges.  
  
BABS (practically squealing) This is priceless.  
  
BUNNYFORD (to the Stooges) I'm not the patient. It's Mrs. Bunnyford.  
  
The chauffeur looks on with amazement as the Stooges turn to Babs.  
  
FRANK Oh. How do you do, Madame?  
  
BUNNYFORD Now, see here, Babs...  
  
BABS Oh, darling, you take the submarine ride. I wouldn't leave these men on a bet. Come, gentlemen! The last one in is a Republican!  
  
Babs suddenly bolts for the front door. The Stooges take off in happy pursuit, with Frank circling Bunnyford like an airplane before taking off after her. A stunned Bunnyford quickly follows.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. BUNNYFORD MANSION - LIVING ROOM  
  
Babs runs in, followed closely by the Stooges. Sean plows into Swineington, upsetting the tray of pretzels he carries and knocking him out of the shot. Babs laughs gaily throughout. After a moment, there is a CRASH and a woman's SHRIEK. Babs and the Stooges turn to look at the sofa where Swineington now lies in the Countess' lap beside a mustached guest named John(played by Furball). Everyone is covered with pretzels. John has the pretzel bowl lid on his head.  
  
SWINEINGTON (totally mortified) Oh, Countess. I'm so sorry.  
  
The Countess has a pretzel wedged around her eye like a monocle. She puts her own monocle up to the other eye, trying to keep her dignity.  
  
THE COUNTESS This is so, like, REALLY uncool or some junk!  
  
Babs hurries over to help straighten things up.  
  
BABS (to guest with lid on his head) Oh, John!  
  
Bunnyford rushes in and joins the Stooges. He sees the mess and winces.  
  
BUNNYFORD Ooooh!  
  
Babs starts to take the lid off John's head.  
  
BABS I'll get you a drink.  
  
She removes the lid but his toupee comes off with it, leaving him bald as a ping pong ball. He clutches his head in horror. A distraught Bunnyford confers with the Stooges.  
  
BUNNYFORD Gentlemen, what will I do with her? Now, let me tell you a little bit about Babs.  
  
SEAN (thinking that Buster was talking about Barbara Bush) Oh, don't worry about the first lady. Let's have something to eat.  
  
GEORGE Make mine Turkey.  
  
FRANK I'll take Philly CHEESEsteak smothered in gravy. Eeb eeb.  
  
SEAN (to George and Frank) Boys.  
  
Sean motions with eyes and head to something o.s. They follow his gaze. They stare at each other for a split second before racing away from Bunnyford and over to a table loaded with lots of sandwhiches. Babs stands at the punch bowl fixing a drink.  
  
BABS Gentlemen, do have some delectable sandwhiches.  
  
Babs leaves with a tray of 3 carrot sandwhiches.  
  
FRANK Delectable sandwhiches? Let's go! Frank does the happy Shemp Howard eeb eeb eeb  
  
Frank gets his pockets on his coat deepened. George does the same.  
  
GEORGE (while putting the small sandwhiches in his pocket) You'd think I was kinda sorta used ta this.  
  
Sean watches as George points to the fruit punch bowl to Frank.  
  
GEORGE Hey dun ferget 'bout that.  
  
FRANK Wouldn't miss that area for the world.  
  
George and Frank then move towards the punch bowl, they sample a small glass. After a moment, they stop and make faces. Sean just grins and follows the two.  
  
GEORGE This is weak.  
  
FRANK Yeah. The sugar went through this punch like it was jello.  
  
Sean takes a bottle from the table, opens it and takes a whiff.  
  
SEAN This Seltzer water ought to help.  
  
GEORGE (picking up another bottle) This soda should make it fizzy.  
  
FRANK Look for the Mazarino cherry.  
  
Sean finds it and gives to Frank, Frank sniffs the cherry. He sneezes twice and is about to sneeze again when Babs returns to the table and offers him a tray.  
  
BABS (to Frank) Hors d'oeuvre?  
  
FRANK No. Hay fever.  
  
Babs busts out laughing at this and walks off. The Stooges pour the various bottles of different soda into the punch bowl. When these are emptied, they turn to some other bottles on the table.  
  
Sean Hey, here's some new kind of soda. Wor-cester-shire! (pours Worcestershire sauce into the punch bowl) Oh, ho ho ho.  
  
GEORGE This says "Tabasco" -- I ain't never drunk any. But we'll put it in.  
  
SEAN What have you got to lose?  
  
George pours hot Tabasco sauce into the bowl. Frank squeaks and claps his hands with delight as he finds a bottle of his own.  
  
FRANK Eeb, eeb eeb! Sham paynee!  
  
Frank POPS the cork on his champagne bottle. The cork flies off and champagne SPRITZES out of the top. Frank covers the bottle with his hand to stop the flow. After a pause he looks over at Sean and does a double take. We SWISH PAN TO discover Sean with the champagne cork wedged in his right eye. Sean grimaces, pulls the cork from his eye, stares at it for a second, puts it down, and confronts Frank.  
  
SEAN You shouldn't handle dangerous weapons. (off the champagne bottle) Give me that.  
  
FRANK I will not!  
  
SEAN Let me have it!  
  
FRANK (reluctantly) Ohhh...  
  
Frank removes his hand and the foam SPRAYS Sean. Frank directs the stream of champagne at Sean, after Sean's face is drenched, Sean BOPS Frank's head several times in succession. George calls Sean's attention to the punch bowl.  
  
GEORGE Look! It's boiling.  
  
Sean grabs a napkin and dries his face and hair. The punch is practically steaming.  
  
FRANK It must be done.  
  
The Stooges grab little glass cups and dip them into the bowl. They clink their glasses together and all three drink simultaneously. After a moment, they wince horribly and belch PUFFS of smoke from their mouths. They put down their glasses and wipe their mouths, looking rather pleased.  
  
GEORGE A marvelous accomplishment.  
  
SEAN A prodigious achievement.  
  
FRANK You said it! It's putrid!  
  
Suddenly, Bunnyford joins the Stooges at the table.  
  
BUNNYFORD Gentlemen, would you be good enough to look my wife over now?  
  
SEAN A pleasure.  
  
BUNNYFORD This way.  
  
The Stooges follow Bunnyford to the sofa where Babs and the Countess sit talking.  
  
BUNNYFORD (to Babs) The doctor's going to look you over, dear.  
  
BABS Oh, goody.  
  
Frank joins Babs and the Countess on the sofa, sitting between them. Sean and George stand nearby.  
  
SEAN (to Babs) Now, uh, we shall test your reflex first.  
  
BABS Okay, Doctor.  
  
Frank Eeb, eeb, eeb, eeb.  
  
Babs's legs are crossed and Frank taps her just below the knee to test her reflexes. But nothing happens. Babs just laughs. Frank squeaks in frustration and taps her again. Still nothing. Frank squeaks and palms his face.  
  
FRANK This is the way a normal reflex should act.  
  
To demonstrate, Frank crosses his own legs and taps himself below the knee. Nothing. He does a double take and scowls at Babs. Now, Frank turns to the Countess sitting beside him and taps her knee, still with no result.  
  
THE COUNTESS (offended, to Frank) I like, beg your pardon.  
  
Delighted with Franks's boldness, Babs gasps and puts a hand to her mouth.  
  
FRANK (to the Countess) Oh, you don't have to apologize. You can't help it you're crazy.  
  
The Countess is so shocked by this remark that the monocle pops out of her eye.  
  
SEAN (to Frank) C'mere, lab rat.  
  
Frank rises, sits on the arm of the sofa, and crosses his legs. Sean kneels beside him and prepares to show him how it's done. (Meanwhile, some of the other guests, including the Countess, start tapping themselves below the knee.)  
  
SEAN (professorially) Now, then. Holding the palm at a forty-five degree angle...  
  
Sean taps Frank below the knee. Nothing happens.  
  
SEAN Must be off a couple of degrees.  
  
Sean tries again. Still nothing.  
  
SEAN (upset, to Frank) Trouble is, you've got no life.  
  
Sean KETTLE DRUMS Frank in the stomach. Frank's leg lashes out and KICKS Sean, sending him backward.  
  
SEAN Oh!  
  
Frank backs away, squeaking, afraid of retaliation. Reaching the other side of the room, Frank trips over the leg of a bookish guest who sits in a chair, reading a newspaper. Frank falls to the floor.  
  
FRANK (to the guest) Pardon me.  
  
GUEST(played Foulmouth) I'm dadgum sorry.  
  
The guest goes back to reading his paper and crosses his legs. Still on the floor, Frank sees the guest's crossed legs and decides to tap him below the knee. He hits it hard and makes a loud wooden THUMP. The guest puts his paper down and stares at Frank who squeaks in frustration before THUMPING the leg again. Finally, Frank smacks himself in the face a few times and karate CHOPS the leg. Frank clutches his hand in pain and HOWLS. The guest gives Frank an "it serves you dadgum right" nod. The guest uncrosses the leg and when it BANGS loudly to the floor we realize it is a wooden leg. Frank stares at this, reaches down, and KNOCKS on the wood. It sounds like someone knocking at a door, so Frank says:  
  
FRANK Come in.  
  
FRANK pulls the guest's trouser leg up to reveal the actual wood -- and a tiny sign that reads: POST NO DADGUM BILLS. Frank rises and backs away in horror until he encounters a large white marble statue of a muscular man sitting on a pedestal. Sort of a cut-rate version of Rodin's The Thinker. Frank eyes the statue's bent leg and contemplates tapping its knee with glee.  
  
FRANK Ooo-oohh. Eeb, eeb, eeb, eeb.  
  
Frank taps the statue's knee and -- improbably -- obtains the desired result: the statue's leg flexes. In response, an amazed Frank barks like a dog at the statue. Then pauses to wonder how the statue could have come to life. (It is, of course, a male model made up to look like a statue.)  
  
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Sean, George and the other guests are all bent over, tapping their legs below the knee. Swineington enters and makes an announcement.  
  
SWINEINGTON Dinner is served.  
  
Sean straightens up and turns to George.  
  
SEAN Eats!  
  
Frank starts GIBBERING like a madman and running in place. Sean jumps over the sofa. George hops around it and Sean gets on George's back for a piggy- back ride into the dining room. The guests and Swineington watch all this with stunned looks while Babs laughs happily. Finally, Frank runs over and jumps on Swineington' back for his own piggy-back ride into the dining room.  
  
BABS (laughing, to the stunned guests) Aren't they marvelous?  
  
DISSOLVE TO:  
  
INT. BUNNYFORD MANSION - DINING ROOM - DAY  
  
Everyone except Swineington is seated at the dining room table. Babs sits at the head of the table. On her right sits Sean and George (when George tries to flirt with the lady on his right, Sean grabs him violently by the hair). On Babs's left sits Frank. To Frank's left is the Countess. Bunnyford sits at the other end of the table, opposite Babs. The seating arrangement looks like this:  
  
Babs Sean Frank George The Countess Lady Male Guest ? Matronly Woman ? John Bunnyford  
  
Everyone has a cream puff in front of them. We know what that means...  
  
Frank (to Babs) I just love cream puffs.  
  
BABS Oh, I hope you gentlemen will like my Spanish dinner.  
  
FRANK I'm just crazy about Spanish food -- especially corned beef and cabbage.  
  
BABS (laughing, to guests) Isn't he funny? Ha ha ha!  
  
Frank notices the Countess looking around for something.  
  
FRANK What's all the fuss?  
  
THE COUNTESS I believe I like dropped my serviette.  
  
FRANK Well, just keep seated. Nobody'll notice it.  
  
The Countess gives him a look. Frank shoots her a look right back.  
  
FRANK Okay, have half of mine.  
  
Frank tears his napkin in half and hands it to the Countess.  
  
THE COUNTESS (snootily) Like, thenk you.  
  
Frank grins, waves and offers a quiet "Eeb, eeb." Then, Frank sees the Countess powdering her face with a powder puff. He squeals quietly, digs into his pocket, and pulls out an electric razor. He plugs in the razor (apparently, the socket is built right into the dining room table) and it starts to BUZZ loudly. Frank starts shaving himself, much to the Countess' annoyance. He yelps when he snags a piece of skin just above his lip. Then he reaches over and starts shaving the Countess' face. She shrieks and jumps in horror at this.  
  
THE COUNTESS Like, stop doing that!  
  
She goes back to powdering her face. Frank gives her one of his eloquent dismissive waves and goes back to shaving. Swineington approaches the Countess with a tray.  
  
Swineington Biscuit, Madame?  
  
THE COUNTESS Like, no, thank you.  
  
Swineington is about to offer Frank a biscuit but is shocked and offended to see him shaving at the dinner table.  
  
SWINEINGTON (disapproving) Sir?!  
  
FRANK Quiet!  
  
SWINEINGTON (regains his composure) Biscuit, sir?  
  
FRANK (rubbing his hands with glee) Oh, soitanly!  
  
Frank takes a biscuit and sets to work on it with a knife while Swineington grimaces in disbelief and moves on. William Swineington the tray to Sean and George.  
  
Swineington Biscuit, sir?  
  
Sean and George manage to take their biscuits without incident (Larry takes two). While Sean shakes enough salt onto his biscuit to preserve the entire Columbia film library, George makes a sandwich out of his two biscuits and a giant stalk of celery. With both hands, George raises the unwieldy sandwich to his mouth and is about to bite into it.  
  
SEAN (to George) Hey. Where's your Emily Post?  
  
Sean's reference to the famous etiquette maven causes George to stick both his pinkies in the air before biting down joyfully on the sandwich with an impolite CRUNCH. Sean nods in approval and continues to salt his biscuit.  
  
Meanwhile, the Countess continues powdering her face. Frank has cut his biscuit in two and places one half on the table and starts to butter the other half.  
  
FRANK This is my favorite dish. Biscuits! Biscuits all the time. With a little cheese.  
  
The Countess sets the powder puff down on top of Curly's half-biscuit. He finishes buttering, picks up the powder puff by mistake, and puts his "biscuit" in his mouth. He tries to bite off a piece but can't. He makes a face, then squeaks; the Countess who now puts on lipstick, gives him a disdainful look; Frank finally bites a piece of powder puff, glancing happily at the Countess; struggles to chew it, going cross-eyed at the effort; swallows some down; takes another bite; squeaks, earning another look from the Countess; Frank pauses for a moment...then abruptly stuffs the biscuit in his mouth and tears off another piece.  
  
The Countess sighs and rolls her eyes. Suddenly, Frank starts to choke. He grabs his throat, eyes bulging. Desperately, he WHACKS the back of his head causing face powder to SPEW out of his mouth. He grabs a water glass from off the table and drinks some down. He turns to look at the Countess and grimaces. The Countess is white with powder and totally mortified. Babs cracks up at the sight of her.  
  
BABS (to Frank) You funny, funny mouse!  
  
SEAN (grimly ironic[Sean is a pro at that]) Yes. Isn't he a scream?  
  
Swineington serves the tamales, a native Mexican food made of minced meat and red peppers rolled in cornmeal and wrapped in corn husks.  
  
BABS Ooh, I just love tamales in the Spring!  
  
FRANK (off his tamale) What a funny thing. It don't know whether it's comin' or goin'.  
  
Suspicious, Sean and George peer at their tamales, at first tapping them cautiously, then POUNDING them. Frank picks his up, shakes it, hears a GLOOPY sound from its interior, sets it on his plate, and strikes up a conversation with it.  
  
FRANK (to the tamale) Speak to me so I'll know which is the head or the tail.  
  
Frank barks at it twice, then pats it gently as if it were a dog.  
  
FRANK (to the tamale) Quiet now, quiet. Eeb, eeb.  
  
Sean tries to penetrate the corn husk with a spoon, to no avail.  
  
SEAN (to himself) This thing can't lick me.  
  
Sean tucks his napkin into his collar and starts to manhandle the tamale. Meanwhile, George uses a fork and a knife on his tamale with no result.  
  
GEORGE Mmm. Stubborn, whut?  
  
Finally, Frank figures out that you have to unwrap the darn things and happily begins to do so.  
  
FRANK Eeb, eeb, eeb, eeb.  
  
George butters and salts his and BITES down on it as if it were corn-on-the- cob. Sean tries to finger-poke his tamale as if it were Frank. Finally, he tries to squeeze the life out of it.  
  
SEAN Get tough with me-- ?!  
  
Sean SLAMS it to his plate. Sauce SQUIRTS out of it and blackens Sean's face. He tries to wipe it off, only making it worse.  
  
SEAN (off the tamale) A bomb! By begora! An infernal machine!  
  
Frank keeps tearing off flakes of husk, finally finding one he likes. Sean starts to do the same. Frank salts his husk and pops it in his mouth. Sean butters one of his own, puts it with another one, and eats it like a sandwich. He claps his hands together and looks satisfied -- until he tastes the husk. Then, he pauses to make a face. Frank scrapes sauce off a husk with his knife and grows wild-eyed with anticipation as he salts the husk and stuffs his mouth with it.  
  
George, having made no progress, bites into one end of his tamale causing sauce to STREAM out the other end and blacken Frank's face. Upset, Curly wipes his eye. George looks in horror at what he's done.  
  
FRANK (angry, to George) Why, you--!  
  
Frank picks up a tamale and threatens to throw it at George.  
  
GEORGW I'm sorry. Don't throw it! Don't throw it!  
  
George ducks his head into Sean's lap as Frank throws. The tamale hits and spatters Sean. Sean grabs George by the hair and pulls him off his lap.  
  
SEAN (to GEORGE) Get up, you.  
  
Sean SMACKS George on the forehead and turns to Frank.  
  
SEAN (to Frank) Why, you--!  
  
Sean picks up a cream puff to throw at Frank.  
  
FRANK Sean! Don't!  
  
Frank ducks his head into the Countess' lap as Sean throws. The cream puff hits the Countess in the forehead. Curly pops up.  
  
FRANK I ducked --  
  
Frank sees the creamed Countess and reacts with horror. The Countess desperately tries to maintain an air of dignity. The young MALE GUEST(Foulmouth) sitting beside her begins to roar with laughter at the sight of her. So she SMACKS him in his open mouth with a cream puff. Now, it's Babs's turn to laugh hysterically. The Male Guest grabs a cream puff and eyes the Countess. He rises, much to her dismay, preparing to hit her with it.  
  
THE COUNTESS (also rising) Oh, no no no no no no...  
  
But, at the last second, he throws the cream puff at Babs instead, hitting her square in the face. Bunnyford, sitting at the far end of the table next to the guest named John(Furball), puts a hand to his head in dismay. But Babs, smiling like a kid, winds up and pitches her cream puff across the length of the table, hitting John. Then she grabs Frank's cream puff and hits Bunnyford as he is shouting:  
  
BUNNYFORD This is outrageous! I demand that something be done-- !  
  
Babs laughs even harder than before, shaking in her chair, her mouth wide open. Bunnyford grabs a cream puff and somehow throws it right into her open mouth. John, wiping some cream from his face, accidentally FLICKS some onto the Matronly Woman(Merrie Melody) beside him. She, in turn, picks up her cream puff and SMACKS him with it. They start throwing the rest of their food at each other.  
  
SEAN (to Frank) This is all your fault, you--  
  
Sean picks up a cream puff. Frank hides behind the Countess.  
  
FRANK Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Cut it out, Sean!  
  
A cream puff hits the Countess. She sputters. Frank pokes his head out from behind her.  
  
FRANK Eeb, eeb, eeb, eeb.  
  
He ducks back. Another cream puff hits the Countess.  
  
FRANK (to Sean) You missed me.  
  
COUNTESS Like, The King shall hear of this!  
  
SEAN Ehh, that'll teach you!  
  
Sean gets hit by a cream puff. An untouched FEMALE GUEST(Elmyra) tries to keep the peace.  
  
FEMALE GUEST Folks! This must stop!  
  
The woman is instantly CLOBBERED by a cream puff. By now, the room has degenerated into anarchy: Babs, George, Sean, Frank and the others all either throw cream puffs or get hit with them or both. Frank ducks beneath the table and pops up with his napkin covering his head. Of course, the moment he peeks out from behind it, he is WHACKED with a cream puff --  
  
FRANK I surrender! I--  
  
Frank rises, grunts, and gets WHACKED again.  
  
FRANK Eeb, eeb, eeb, eeb.  
  
An unsuspecting Swineington calmly enters the room and stares wide-eyed in amazement. Everyone is throwing food.  
  
SWINEINGTON Doctor Pluck just--  
  
Swineington gets hit by a cream puff. Huffily, he turns to exit and gets a cold one right in the back of the neck. He raises his shoulders high, exhales deeply, and marches out of the room.  
  
Bunnyford and the Stooges crawl on hands and knees away from the rioting partygoers and confer in a quieter part of the room.  
  
BUNNYFORD (to the Stooges) Gentlemen, I think you'd better leave now while my wife's still enjoying herself and before she changes her mind. Believe me, I'm grateful. (reaches for a grey small suitcase) Will-will about one point five million do?  
  
SEAN (taking the suitcase) Oh, that's just right. Thanks.  
  
Bunnyford crawls away to join Babs while the Stooges count their money. Babs is having a ball, throwing and being thrown at.  
  
BABS Whoooo! Ha ha ha!  
  
A smiling Bunnyford approaches, carrying a huge chocolate carrot cake that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY on it.  
  
BABS (happily, off the cake) Oh, my birthday cake! Oh, darling, in all my life I've never had so much fun!  
  
Bunnyford immediately DUMPS the entire cake on her head.  
  
BUNNYFORD Me, too.  
  
They stare at each other, she in disbelief and he, inscrutably, with his hands on his hips. She has her arms folded, give a really angry pout  
  
BABS (mildly angrily like) Fade out, allready!  
  
FADE OUT  
  
THE END 


End file.
